Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in stormissohot's LiveJournal:

Sunday, October 2nd, 2005
11:45 pm	If ass tasted like pumpkin pie, ass would be so good But ass probably doesn't taste like pumpkin pie. It probably tastes like cod liver oil or Bill Cosby. Or even worse, tapioca pudding. EWW. I really have no reason to be updating right now. Heather yelled at me last night for not updating ever (she even did that angry head-swivel thing that girls do when they fake being mad. Harsh like whoa). So here. I'm updating. This officially makes me you're best friend in the whole world. If there is ever a competition for Heather's best friend in the world, its me hands down. The Storm doesnt do livejournal updates for just anyone. I keeps it real, strictly for my homies. Respect. Today, I was inspired to watch wrestling when I discovered the catch phrase of a tag team called The Johnsons, two guys dressed head to toe in peach-colored leotards meant to look like penises: "We are pricks, we are proud, and we are protruding!" I think one of my next entries will be really emo. I want to make a livejournal post thats really cliche, just for shits and giggles. Maybe throw out sentences like "my life is a black cloud that rains shit" and stuff like that. Although I suppose that would be a brown cloud. But brown clouds aren't nearly as imposing or tacky as black clouds. In a Brown Cloud Vs Black Cloud deathmatch, Id say brown cloud has the distinct advantage over black cloud, simply because it has the super power of raining shit. What would black cloud have? Raining black jelly beans? Raining black bowling balls? Brown cloud does not fear bowling balls. Brown cloud shits on bowling balls for pleasure. Go brown cloud. That was the weirdest thing I have ever written. Good night. Current Mood: crazy Current Music: apple shampoo- blink 182. i wish lil jon would remix this (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
4:43 pm	Where the f*ck is the van?!! LJ Interests meme results axl rose: Greatest frontman ever. Quite possibly the only person I rave about more frequently than Ernie Reyes, Jr. cheese and pepperoni pizza: Its like sex, only with cheese involved. desaparecidos: This is what Conor Oberst sounds like after pounding 2 red bulls and playing with an effects pedal. jack daniels: A very good friend of mine. koalas: Cuddly yet ferocious. mountain dew pitch black: Easily the best soda since cherry coke and strawberry faygo. pancakes: "As a comedian, you have to be entertaining the whole time. You can't be like pancakes-- all exciting at first, but by the end, you're sick of 'em." Funniest. Man. Ever. pulp fiction: Even better the sixty-third time you watch it. saves the day: Way better than any emo band deserves to be. the transformers: Sometimes, when I'm all alone, I crouch into a ball, make the transformer noise, and pretend I'm car. Don't tell anyone. Enter your LJ user name, and 10 interests will be selected from your interest list. Current Music: Seize the Day- Avenged Sevenfold (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
11:02 pm	I'm the Dude, or His Dudeness, or uh El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing... Waking up at 5:30 is like masturbating to the Disney Channel-- its just an unnatural act. This whole 'being studious' shit is already starting to get to me, but c'est la vie i suppose. Learning sucks, but a shitty week only accentuates the awesomeness of the weekend. Rhoades has a friend who is dating Fred Durst. If you could date a C-list celebrity, who would it be? I have a few: Jennie Garth (the blond, pretty one from 90210), Harriet the Spy (circa Eurotrip, not when she was still in middle school... i think i just made that 'jerking off to the disney channel' joke alot creepier). I had more, but I forgot because im a lameass. How cool would it be to hang out with ernie reyes, jr. for a day? I saw a snake between my feet today while i was weedwacking at the golf course. In response to the snake's very unwelcome presence, I screamed like a 10 year old on the superman ride. I also shouted 'fuck' at a decibal entirely inappropriate for a golf course, to which a foursome of golfers had a good laugh. So in addition to being scared shitless by the ugliest of all reptiles, a group of middle-aged men in black socks and argial sweaters had a laugh at my expense. If I go to hell, Satan will make me juggle snakes for all eternity while poorly dressed golfers laugh at my misfortune. If I go to heaven, God and I will play badminton, drink margaritas, and discuss how nice heaven is without snakes or golfers disturbing the afterlife's peaceful tranquility with their damnable wretchedness. Kind of a weak entry, I'm not gonna lie. But I'm tired and 530 is only about 6 hours away. I've actually had quite an eventful string of days so hopefully I'll get around to chatting about that. On a final note, Triple black and jose cuervo make for an amazing tequilla popper (thanks justin. welcome to the fold- you're a big fella for life haha) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
4:32 am	Ozzfest = better than sex with Rob Zombie's wife And she's pretty hot. So this past week has easily been the most kick ass week of the summer thus far. Monday night, me and the Cumby girls went to the living room and saw Most Precious blood and Evergreen Terrace. Both were tres impressive-- MPB was alot better than I remembered them being, and I was suprised at how badly the blond guy from ET wants to be the singer from Converge. They even have a similar face, its kinda like the guy who's singing in Journey now that looks, sounds, and has the same first name as Steve Perry. Only Journey is probably cooler than evergreen terrace (no knock on ET, they kick plenty o ass in their own right. But like, its Journey. No one touches journey, fool.) I got kicked in the penis during MPB though. That was unfortunate and painful. The scrawny bastard that kicked me landed his foot RIGHT on the dickhead and grazed a nut, just barely though. Despite my overwhelming desire to sprint across the open pit and tear the assclown's eyes from his fucking sockets, I refrained. I was lucky enough to escape with my junk intacted after the first kick- i didn't want to push my luck. On a merrier note, me and the ladies went to mcdonalds afterwards. There ain't nothing in this world that makes you forget about a swollen penis faster than an Oreo McFlurry. Bar night was a blast as usual. Perky is one funny motherfucker after a pitcher of sam adams, although I'm not too sure anyone was feeling her idea to go offroading at 2am. Not after 50 cent drafts night, and especially not with her at the wheel. Me, Barrett, Deanna and Perron had a nasty game of pool going on before the bar closed- The Storm is pretty nasty with a pool cue. Even if I had no clue what a bridge was. My spongebob watch broke today. 10 points and a hug to heather for fixing it. FLAWLESS VICTORY. Ozzfest was fuckin incredible. We had breakfast at Eggs R Us or some place that liked eggs alot. The food rocked many socks. Highlight of the meal: Christian, Meghan and I learn that Heather keeps bacon strips in her pants. Deeelish. The show was amazing from start to finish. Its nice to see Ozzfest turning away from shit nu metal bands and bringing some of Scandinavia's finest over to the States for the summer. The Haunted was ridiculous- these fuckers didn't pull any punchs, their set was heavy as all hell. As I Lay Dying and Bury Your Dead were nasty too, but Killswitch and Zombie owned. KSE played another solid set and the crowd was apeshit for 45minutes straight. And for the second time now, Rob Zombie put on a sick show that caught me off guard. I haven't listened to any of his stuff in probably 5 years, but the guy knows how to work a crowd. The White Zombie songs were mint, too. Meghan broke herself crowdsurfing during Killswitch. She was a trooper though and continued to rock out with her cock out. Go Meghan. I've never seen so much attention paid to one person's ass as I did while getting dinner with the ladies. Heather might as well have had the Mona Lisa painted on her asscheeks. As I'm sure the male portion of Ozzfest concert-goers would agree, its an ass to be proud of. Go Heather. Iron Maiden owned. Bruce Dickensen is the smallest, angriest man I've ever seen wearing leather pants. Sabbath was better this year than last year, mostly because Ozzy didn't sound like the town drunk when he stepped up to the mic. Though neither Bruce nor Ozzy had the pipes of the drunk guy next to us in the parking lot. I will never hear All Apologies or Anarchy in the Uk the same again, and for that I'm glad. Just got back from coffee and cream (my new favorite late night fooding visit) and its mos def time for more sleep. I did the math- i got a cumulative 9 hours in 4 days, without question the littlest amount of sleep I've ever had, barring mono. I had an hour of sleep between ozzfest and work this morning. At about 445ish, i half dozed off and drifted in front of a bigass truck. There was plenty of room between us, but a scary moment none the less. Note to self: get back to normal sleeping pattern. "You are the morning sun. I am freshly cut grass. So dew me." Fucking classic. Mitch Quote of the Day: I'm going to start hanging out with my friends facing counter-clockwise, so if someone paints us having supper we will be easier to identify.... you don't get that joke? Me neither. I don't know why I tell it. Something inside me just wont let it go. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Hey Jealousy- Gin blossoms (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 10th, 2005
10:01 pm	Riptide Rush = best flavor of gatorade. Hands Down So yeah, its been a solid couple of months since ive updated this bad boy. I think im a little overdue so maybe tomorrow i'll put up a real entry. About 10 minutes from now i'm shaving off the goat. I'll miss it, even though it'll be back in like a month. Im always surprised at how John Travolta-ish my chin is every time i lose the goatee. C'est la vie. This should please Wongo... so today, I'm in the computer room and my dads like ten feet away, kneeling down to shuffle through some files on the ground, when he cuts this absurd fart. Like, this was no 'haha good one dad' kind of fart. It was a post-dinner sick fart that sounded alot like when you pull a bendy straw through a thermos lid. It made that distinct ripping sound, sort of similar to that noise a chainsaw makes when you're pulling on the cord and it wont start. So yeah, Dad cuts this earthquake of a fart and says (direct quote), "Uh oh... i think that one left some peanut butter." Stay gold, dad. Stay gold. 20 days till the storm turns 20. Another 385 days until I can legally drink. 710 days ago, I reached the age to be legally drafted into the armed forces in the event my government needs me to do so. All I'm saying is, if I just so happen to be drafted before i reach the legal drinking age, my drill sergeant better greet me with an AK-47 in one hand and a Bud Light in the other. This week should be purty damn rockin: Monday= evergreen terrace and most precious blood with my two sultry cumberland ladies (whateva guy). ET rocks my anklesocks, and as wongfu surely remembers, most precious blood may be the funniest band on the planet, whether they mean to be or not. Fast food is expected to be consumed before the show, and the good lord knows that I'm a mark for food that's made to kill you. Tuesday= Mugshots with D, perkis and mattie bee. Alcohol is my friend, especially when its 50 cents a draft. Wednesday= nothing as of yet, but this needs to be amended. Anybody up for watching Team America/possibly getting dominos? Thursday= no work on friday, so hopefully me and the Captain will make it happen. Friday= ozzfest \mm/ its still up in the air, but i could def go for a solid 13 hour metal show. Its been a while since ive seen Killswitch without Machinehead ruining their set. Mitch quote of the day: I needed to buy a candle holder so I went to the store but they didn't have one. So I bought a cake. This quote came out of Spin magazine this month. The article sucked mansausage, but this is worth mentioning: Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005)- The funniest comedian of the past twenty years, dead at 37 (for no goddamn reason). And Jimmy Fallon will probably live to be 110. Amen. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 5th, 2005
12:46 pm	Updating is for weiners Man, updating a live journal is like a chore or something. I don't understand how people can write on this thing daily, let alone several times a day. To me, having a live journal account is like having a daily reminder that either I've been really lazy since my last entry or I live a very boring, non-descript life. The other night, I participated in a 5-man wrestling match in my room. Jung Lee weighs all of six pounds, so she got beat down like whoa, but everybody else held there own. I vaguely remember powerslamming Brockton onto my bed, but I'm pretty sure he had to jump for me to lift him. I hate having pussy arms, they're not very conducive to delivering large quantities of ass-whoopin'. My only goal this summer is to get in shape. Some kind of shape. Any kind of shape other than round, which just so happens to be my present shape. By August, I want these pipe cleaners to be 24-inch pythons. I'm talkin Hulk Hogan-esque proportions here. The highlight of the evening was definately Mark putting me in a PERFECT figure-four leglock. He got the spin right and everything. Great form, Mark. I think I sold it pretty well, too. The RA didn't think it was as awesome as I did, but whatev. The Storm didn't tap. The Storm never taps. I think I'm going to refer to my friends from now on as "Stormaholics." So Limp Bizkit just released a new album called The Unquestionable Truth. The cd has only seven tracks and they all begin with the word 'the.' The songs are as follows: # “The Propaganda” # “The Truth” # “The Priest” # “The Key” # “The Channel” # “The Story” # “The Surrender” This is supposedly going to be Fred's arty record. Because, like, the songs all start with 'the,' clearly indicating that this is no mere LB record. No no. This will be Fred's crowning achievement, his Mona Lisa, his Montecello. This will be fucking brilliant. I can't possibly describe how amazing this album is going to be, but this website can: http://www.chartattack.com/DAMN/2005/02/0912.cfm Green Day was the best concert I have ever seen, period. And I say that without the least bit of shame. I had written them off long ago as "that friggin pop punk band that just refuses to die." Whatever, these guys are outstanding performers and they're far from boring, on stage and on American Idiot. Sure, I can't help but sneer when I think about bands like NoFX trying to sit at the Parent's Table and discuss politics that they don't understand, but I'll tip my camo Boston Red Sox hat to Green Day. They're a huge band who took a pretty considerable risk by putting out a politically-charged album at a time where the nation is divided on a lot of issues. That takes a set of grapefruits. More importantly, I liked the message Green Day was sending to the kids at the show (and holy hell, were there kids. This was obviously most of the audience's first concert, with a small legion of kids running around in $40 band t-shirts. *sigh*) Not once did Billie Joe tell the audience to vote Democrat. He gave a few potshots to Bush, but we all know where GD stands on the political spectrum and I fully expected the prez to take some heat at this show. The message was 'think for yourself, do some research, and then take a stand.' Okay, so it's a horribly cliche`d and oft-copied message, but Green Day's the first band I've seen in a long time who actually seems to mean it. So yeah, go Green Day. Woot woot. My Chemical Romance was pretty sweet too, although the singer needs to shower more frequently. Mitch Quote of the Day: I play golf. I've never got a hole-in-one before, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. I know you're supposed to yell 'fore' but I was too busy mumbling "there ain't no way that's gonna hit 'em... Current Mood: sure Current Music: Green Day- Jesus of Suburbia (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 16th, 2005
9:46 pm	basically i never update because basically i'm in love there's this girl here. this beautiful blonde, stephanie... i can't even tell you. her smile, her eyes. her laugh. she makes me want to be a better man. she gives me desires to live that i've never felt before. Her voice is like a breath of fresh air. And my lungs burn for that whenever I'm away. her lips are the color of cranberries in the month of may, a little less than ripe. her hair is like fields of gold in which i want to frolick in the nude. when i see her, my loins just get overwhelmed, and i have a desire to strip down, throw everything aside, lie down wherever I am and sacrifice my entire body to the temptress. the pain of her beauty is just too much to bear. Current Mood: horny (Comment on this)
Friday, April 15th, 2005
7:09 pm	Never a dull moment in the Sandstrom household... Mike: I am so friggin tired... Mom: Tell me all about it. This has been the second worst damn week of my life, following last week. Mike: ... Maybe this is an inopportune time to tell you this, but I have genital herpies. (brief pause) Mom: Well, at least you're gettin' some. Stromma made a funny! And just so we're all clear, I don't really have genital herpies. So feel free to make sexual advances as you please. I'll be updating again soon, for real this time. Hopefully I'll have the free time necessary to properly eulogize my dearly departed favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg. Until then, here's some golden nuggets of awesomeness straight from the comedic genius himself: The other day I went to Dunkin Donuts and I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. This is completely unnecessary. I give you the money. You give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring paper and ink into this. I cannot imagine the scenario in which I would need the receipt to prove I bought a doughnut. What, like, some skeptical friend? "Oh, don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here... I'll go home and put this in the file. Under D. For doughnut." I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know someone who'd be really mad if she heard me say that. I don't own a microwave, but I have a clock that occasionally cooks shit. Acid made me realize that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit. Mitch, I'll think of you every night I get completely hammered with my best friends for as long as I live. You're memory will live on with every sip of a rum n coke I ever take. And if that's not a legacy to be proud of, what the fuck is? Current Mood: awesomeful Current Music: that song about blood loss- Stars Over Satellites (Comment on this)
Sunday, March 27th, 2005
5:57 pm	"Happy Easter" says 50 Cent Hooray! I love Easter. Its one of those good Christian holidays that gets you out of school for a day and wins you candy from your parents, but isnt important enough to go to church. Score. Thems the kind of holidays I like. I'm still in my Sunday best, tie and everything. I rarely have to get all dolled up for anything, so whenever I do, I stay dressed up all day. I'm a sharp-lookin motherfucker, lemme tell you. This morning at brunch, we saw a ton of crazy-looking familys in the brunch line. More mullets and comb overs than you could count, which really added a little flair to the otherwise upscale dining room. It was a great day for people watching. My favorite brunch-goer was this dude with an eyepatch. It wasn't your everyday, run-of-the-mill eyepatch. This baby was light brown with a tan strap and perfectly matched the guy's suit. I remember him carrying a little kid over his shoulder at one point, and I thought "Shit, the eye patch must make that "Got Your Nose!" game a little bit scarier." Because the eyepatch matched his suit so well, I wonder if he has a whole series of eyepatches for other holidays. Like festive eyepatches. For Halloween, he's got a black one with a skull and crossbones. For Christmas, a red one with green mistletoe. We went to my aunt's place for dessert. My three year old cousin Kyle seems to have taken a liking to me. At the dinner table, he kept laughing at me, sticking his tongue out and blowing. When I asked what he was doing, his sister replied, "oh its his new thing. He likes to pretend he's farting. He does it in church all the time." My kinda guy. Much to the dismay of his (and my) mother, I told him to do it more often because that's how I pick up chicks. In other news... Mothers, lock up your daughters- The Storm's got a snazzy new haircut. I hate this one too, but I couldn't go to another Easter dinner looking like ass. This year, I wanted to look like a well-groomed ass. So it's back to the 'short hair with the flip thing in front' dealy. In another month, I might bleach it blond. After that, I'll buy back all my Godsmack cds, start wearing extra large band shirts again, and only date girls at least two grades below me, thereby completing my metamorphesis into Mike Sandstrom circa 10th grade. I think I hypenate alot. Mrs. Nield would shit a Cadillac if she read this. The other night, I bought Surf Ninjas and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secret of the Ooze for $7 each. Now if I can only find Double Dragon on DVD, I just might goo in my boxers. Mitch Hedberg quote of the day: I don't want to be a race car driver, man. I want to be a race car passenger. Someone who just bugs the driver. "Where are we going? Can I put my feet out the window? Why do we keep making lefts? Man, you really like Tide..." Current Mood: predatory Current Music: ONYX- "Slam" (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
8:46 pm	I'm a poet magikninja182: i havent had dinner yet, id eat the ballsack off a dead rotting moose right now Kristin3322: lol ew magikninja182: oh i would magikninja182: got some moose sack on you? magikninja182: ill eat it magikninja182: dont think i wont eat it God, I'm funny. Current Music: Hot Hot Heat- "Bandages" (Comment on this)
Friday, March 11th, 2005
11:33 am	I super <3 evry1!! BFFL! So. Its spring break, and I'm feeding my livejournal addiction. Oddly enough, I'm was reading Coming of Age in Mississippi (well, i was supposed to be, anyway) and shakin' my tailfeather to Pig Destroyer when I got the urge to hit up the LJ. Strange what speed metal compels you to do. I did this anti-music censorship project last week, and i found this great website that lists hundreds of retarded instances of government censorship in the music industry. Now, I'm not a tool- I can see where parents might get a little tiffed if they're driving their kids to soccer practice and an uncut version of Get Low comes on the stereo. I just get a chuckle out of what has been classified as 'obscene' over the years. Here's a fun fact: Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" was banned from radio for a period in the 60s because it promoted premarital sex. Brown Eyed Girl. Dude. I went snowboarding last saturday night for the first time. I've wanted to snowboard since I was like 10 but could never muster the balls or the funds to do so. I went with a pretty young lady who already knew how to ski, so I was trying my damnedest not to look like a jackass despite it being my first time in snowboarding boots. I failed miserably. I took a few spills that could have made the X Games highlight reel. I learned the hard way that professionals make snowboarding look easy because they are paid large sums of money to be good. I was fucking Gumby on that mountain. My ass was cookie dough and Wachusett was Martha Stewart. I got mauled. That said, snowboarding is ridiculously fun, and I can only imagine its even more enjoyable when you learn to stop, slow down, and turn on command. Word to the wise- Never go on a date where a fractured tailbone is a likely consequence of the evening. Rent a movie. Go to the zoo. Avoid snowboarding, para-sailing, and hang-gliding. I can't wait to try bungie jumping this summer. Mitch Hedberg quote of the day: I like the Fed Ex guy because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time. My sister was reading my live journal the other day and read the thing about my dad pooping out loud. He was in the room, overheard this, and started to panic. "But that's on the INTERNET isn't it! You put that on the internet!?" Yes, Dad, I did. I also posted it on my website, www.scottsandstromspoopinghabits.com , where the layman can follow each and every one of your bowel movements from the privacy and comfort of their PC. I just googled 'scott sandstrom pooping' and got nothing. But when i looked up 'scott sandstrom', I found a great picture of him giving a lecture. His expression is something between an O Face and a lobster being shoved up his ass. Every now and again, I watch pro wrestling with some of the guys here. The WWE has come up with an angle where Kane, the psychologically disturbed brother of the Undertaker who was thought to be burned alive when he was a child, impregnated his wife Lita, who unwillingly married him because of a stipulation in a Winner-Marries-The-Hot-Chick Match. Essentially, she is his concubine. A few weeks ago, the WWE brought in this guy named Gene Snitsky (worst pen name ever). The dude is kinda chubby and has a receding hair line. He's got a goatee that's braided on two sides. Sometimes, he wears eye shadow. In his first match, he hit Kane in the grill with a chair, who then staggered backwards and accidentally knocked Lita off the ring ropes, sending her crashing to the floor and killing her unborn child. Kane and Mr. Snitsky are now feuding, as Kane is clearly upset that his raped wife has had a miscarriage. Gene Snitsky's catch phrase is "It wasn't my fault!" If Vince McMahon greenlights a Fetus On A Pole Match, we will have seen the pinnacle in sports entertainment. Here's hoping. I wonder what becomes of those kids you knew back in preschool who pulled the legs off of ants or stepped on gypsy moths just to see the green stuff inside of them. I bet they join the postal service or become professors who assign 400+ page books and assign papers over spring break. Good Charlotte has accomplished more in the last 3 months than Guns N Roses has in over a decade. Lick my fleshy fishing rod, Axl Rose. Question: Who would you rather see in a homemade porn video, Fred Durst or Sidney Poitier? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles should have been way more explicit. Who gives a shit how many FOOT ninjas Leonardo can hack up- I want to know which turtle brought home the most ass. Its snowing even though it's bright out. I think this is God's way of being emo. If Zach De La Rocha were Hugh Grant, would anyone give a flying fuck what Rage Against the Machine had to say?........... Wait, someone give Chris Cornell his walking papers. Hugh Grant would be way funnier singing in Audioslave. I haven't seen nearly enough of my NS friends over break. I know HC has a different break than alot of colleges, but damn. A pizza night is definately in order (and screw Papa Gino's in the ear for stopping that tuesday night all you can eat deal). Current Mood: sure, i feel jubilant today Current Music: Planes Mistaken For Stars- "Belly Fulla Hell" (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 2nd, 2005
12:23 am	Ahoy matie. Pirates use such colorful language. Of all the wrong-doers in the world's history, pirates just may have been the coolest fiends to have plagued the earth. They're definately in the top 5, along with ninjas, dinosaurs that ate other dinosaurs (how rude), Jake "The Snake" Roberts, and Megatron. Imagine a pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook for a hand. How the hell do you lose an eye, a leg, and a hand and still remain a pirate. I think after losing my first body part, I'd throw in my cards and start a career in accounting or something. So yeah, its getting close to 1 in the morn, and i had a shot of NyQuil about 10 minutes ago. Needless to say, this is going to be a short entry. Heh heh i remember the last time i took NyQuil and tried to operate a computer. It was a little more than a year ago now, when i'd just started dating Michelle, and one night, after a hard 6 hours or so of drinking, I noticed some suspiciously grotesque bubbles on the back of my throat. Unbeknownst to me, this was a symptom of mono. Oops. Anyway, in my retardedly drunken state, I figured a quick swig of NyQuil would fix up my nastyass throat in no time. After that, I remember crawling, flipping out of a chair, and wrestling with a blanket that was hanging off my bed. Whatever else happened after that is a mystery. Ahhhh... the idiocy of youth. I'm going to miss it ten years from now. Mitch Hedberg Joke of the Day: "Every book is a children's book if the kid can read." Since I haven't updated in a while, here's another one: "My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice." Every so often you come across someone with a looney toons tattoo, and if you're at all like me, you slap yourself fucking stupid and think to yourself 'what the hell possessed this inbred jackass to carve a portrait of Marvin Martian into his calf?' If you have ever tattooed a looney toon onto your body, you've proved your worth to the human race. Finish pumping my gas and grow a brain stem, you sheep-humping mongoloid. After that, I feel better about myself. I wonder if the original name of the pencil sharpener was the 'pen destroyer.' That joke was awful, but I've got the sweet, therapudic bliss that is Red NyQuil coursing through my veins as I type, so I could give two shits how unfunny I am right now. Work your magic, Red NyQuil. Soothe me in ways simple cough syrups like Dymatapp and Robotussin cannot... I'm going snowboarding this weekend for the first time. So, for the first time since being chased by a goddamn bear, I may be facing my own mortality this Saturday. If nothing else, dying while skiing is a very rockstar way to go out. If I had to choose how to buy the farm, I might go with 'skiing accident.' Its definately a Kennedy way of going about dying. Them Kennedys. They know how to go out in style. I swear, Ted Kennedy is plotting his own fantastic demise as we speak. You wait. 6 monthes from now, he's going to jump from a plane, his parachute won't open, he'll plummet through the stern of a yacht and land in the blowhole of an endangered humpback whale. He will then be eaten alive by pirahnas, all caught on videotape and aired by the minute on CNN, making his death the most un-fucking-believeable of all the Kennedys. It's kinda creepy what I think of when I'm given a forum like livejournal to just freeball my thoughts into words. Oliver Stone blew his creative load on Platoon and the script for Scarface. The dude needs to know when to throw in the towel. Movies like Alexander don't happen my accident. Speaking of movies, The Ring 2 looks like it could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. Something about the preview tells me that I'll just be wasting $9 on a suckfest. The nyquils overtaken me. I'm out. Later. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Driftwood- Cursive (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 21st, 2005
9:40 pm	Wongo's parents are awesome I have a 5-8 page paper due on Ho Chi Minh tomorrow at 2PM and I have yet to start it. Shit. I was hoping that if i typed that out, I'd read it over and think 'wow, I'm a fucking dope. I've got a fairly sizeable amount of reading/writing/panicking I should be doing right now, but instead I'm scribbling all my thoughts onto a computer and wasting away my evening. Man. I'm a tool." Alas, here I sit. Ok, so enough with the homework business. About half an hour ago, I just got back from the 111 Chophouse with Wongo and his parents. This was possibly the coolest dinner I've ever had. Like, ever. I'd heard of Mr. Wong's legend from about a dozen of Andrew's stories, but I never thought anyone's dad could be this awesome without even trying. Mr. Wong is what I imagined to be the quintessential Chinese man- soft spoken, could possibly know some kung fu, looked like an older Wongo. Nothing too crazy. Then I met Mr. Wong. This guy has some of the greatest stories I have ever heard, and I don't even think he knows it. Andrew kept prodding him the entire meal to tell me about being kidnapped, but Papa Wong never got past "Oh, that? Yes. I was kidnapped once. And I am Chinese." No, I'm serious. That was a legit sentence, straight from Andrew's dad. He had like 10 stories like this (all more elaborate, of course, but i liked that one alot), each one crazier than the next. A personal favorite of mine was his tale about being run over by a US military jeep after WWII. When he was 6. 6 years old. In his youth, he also ran chest-first into barb wire, found a dead man hanging by his neck during a game of hide-and-seek, and chopped the head off of chickens. This guy is like a hardcore legend. So yeah, Wongo's parents were awesome, and the food was lightyears better than Crossroads. I had teriyaki wings to start with- which i promptly smeared all over my shirt and didn't notice until i got back- and had my first prime rib. I also had my first ounce or two of prime rib fat. And god damn- when you swallow a hunk of cow fat, you know it. On three occasions, I was gripping the side of the table, trying not to look as if I'd just swallowed Ron Jeremy's load. Aside from the accidental digesting of cow fat, the prime rib was out of this world. If food were sex, this shit was a screaming orgasm with your wrists tied to the bedpost... As someone I know might say, 'you are such a fat kid.' Mitch Hedberg joke of the day: I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Marsal cancelled French class again today. Class was at 1- the snow had stopped and been mostly plowed by like 10. This further proves my theory that all French people are afraid of snow. I wish I could grow a beard. Or, I wish I was asian and only had like 8 hairs to shave. Why do we have middle names? Its like a runner-up in the first name competition. Today in God class, the professor mentioned how some religions not only allow pot smoking to attain a higher sense of spirituality, they actually encourage it. Man, if Christianity was big on weed smoking, you'd find alot more tie-dyed shirts filling up the pews on Sunday. And you can bet the Crusades would've been alot more mellow. Livejournal is way too time consuming. Its like Facebook without a good excuse for doing it. If sex were pudding, pudding would find its way onto my grocery list every week. Twice. I'm out. Love, peace, and chicken grease...... The Pest was the best awful movie ever made. Current Mood: horny Current Music: Rico Suave- Gerardo (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 20th, 2005
6:18 pm	Oh yeah. i so have livejournal. So about 8 months ago, Mel made me a livejournal account because i'm a whiner and wanted one really bad. Well, bad enough that i was willing to complain to Mel until she caved in and made one for me. How bad i actually wanted it, im not sure. But regardless, she made me one, i loved it for about 20 minutes, then i forgot i even had a livejournal account for half a year. Fast forward to this afternoon. I was terribly bored and not motivated in the least to do my assload of reading. So, being the notorious procrastinator that i am, i decided to be nerdy and make another livejournal account. Exactly why i chose to do this rather than, say, watch an episode of Mystery Science Theater or throw rocks at strangers, i don't know. I do know that Allison Adams is supercool. She's my midget-esque friend from cali who got stabbed at a Hatebreed concert, thus making her the most hardcore person I'll ever meet. I almost wish I were fortunate enough to get stabbed at a concert and lived to tell about it - what an awesome story. You could whip that out at virtually any time -at a bar (presumably... i've never been to one), a birthday party, any kind of social gathering really- and you're guaranteed to get a response out of someone. Oh, and she gives herself tattoos. That's pretty intense. Holla. So today's been kinda dull, hence the writing in the livejournal. Here's some randomness before I pry myself away from the keyboard and force myself to read. Edward Fortyhands is a very bad idea. I know this, because Friday night I discovered that Edward Fortyhand (singular) is a bad idea. I need a new drinking chain. Or at least a new battery for my current one. Nothing says 'thug' quite like a blinking plastic G-Unit spinner. Oh, I'll teach you how to stunt. If you don't think Converge's 'Jane Doe' album is absolutely nasty, you suck eggs. When did 'suck an egg' cease being an insult? ...... Oh, that's right. About fifth grade. In the uncut version of Lil Jon's 'Get Low', Lil screams 'To the windom, to the wall/ Till the sweat drip down my balls/ Till all these bitches crawl/ Skeet skeet, motherfucker/ Skeet skeet, god damn.' In the neutered version, the chorus is changed to 'To the window, to the wall, till the sweat drips down and fall, till all these females crawl. Awww, skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet. Awwww, skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet." Heh heh. Skeet. Whatever happened to those Herbal Essence commercials where the lady would have a screaming O in the shower? Those were so hot. Sure, it was always uncomfortable to sit through one of those ads if your parents were in the room, but still. Shampoo commercials just don't give me wood like they used to. That was really gross. When I asked my dad why I couldn't get picked up at school today, he began the story with "Well, I was pooping and your mother wouldn't give me 2 minutes to finish." There was more to his story than that, but when you preface your explanation with 'I was pooping,' you lose something in the credibility department. Chris Bier is a golden god. Corn bread.... ain't nothin' wrong with that. Today, I ate five slices of a greasey large cheese pizza in front of a cute blonde girl. I then washed down the pizza with two cans of coke. And still she didn't run in terror from my ample fatness. Score. Aight, it's dinner time. Tonight, Kimball will be serving brown stuff, red stuff, and orange stuff. It will not have a defining shape, and you will not enjoy eating it. Tuition was just raised another 5.5%. Eat up. Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Converge- Distance and Meaning (4 Comments |Comment on this)